What I want for my 30s
I want to be content with where I am and who I am. I keep telling myself that once I have this or once I have that, then I will be happy. That is not the case. I told myself that once I moved closer to “home” and away from the big city, I would be happier. Six months later, it has not been that simple. I remember telling myself that once I had a boyfriend, I would be happier. Well as you all may know, relationships aren’t unicorns and cake. I do not want to undermine all the great benefits and happy times I have had since I met my boyfriend or since I moved closer to home, but no “Crazy Happy” switch went on when these things happened. Nor did I do a good job predicting the challenges that come with being in a relationship or the cons to moving back home.
My most current misconceptions are that once I am married and a mother, I will be happier. That is a real dangerous one. I do not want to bring a child to this universe just to make me happier. I also keep telling myself that once I find a meaningful job, I will feel complete. I want to feel complete now and I understand that is all mindset. And I do not want to get married and have children until I feel content and at peace with my life and myself no matter the job or relationship status.
I want to accept myself and love myself unconditionally while embracing my life as it is. At all times.
I am on a fucking journey. It will be called My 30s.
Happy Birthday to me!
During the summer of 2015 I began to feel a little off. I couldn’t tell what is was right away, there were just little signs here and there. The fatigue came first, soon after I had difficulty concentrating, remembering details and the insomnia crept in. I began to retrieve from activities I enjoyed. I think deep down I knew what it was right away, I just kept hoping it would all pass. It didn’t and I really should not have been so naïve. I had stopped taking care of myself. I was barely doing yoga, meditating, cooking well for myself and taking on too much work. I was pulling myself apart and because of that I began to crack, horribly. I could no longer read, I had no energy and the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness kept me crying in bed. I could not escape this feeling that at the time I would describe as a dark hole. For the life of me, I could not describe it. And so before things got really bad, I decided to get help. It wasn’t enough to just try to get back on my routine. I contacted my health insurance provider and set an appointment with mental health department.
Let me tell you, the psychologist that did my intake was fucken horrible. I almost did not continue the process because of that individual. The way he made me feel and the phrases and words he used made me feel even more ridiculous then I already did. But, I wanted to feel better, I needed help so I continued with the process. Luckily, the therapist I was assigned to was not a judgmental asshole and I began psychotherapy once a week for a couple of months.
The first time I tried therapy it was far more cognitive behavioral therapy, really developing coping skills. This time around we focused more on psychoanalytic and humanistic approaches to try to discover the root causes of my depression/anxiety. Though it was far less enjoyable than my past therapy I learned so much more about myself. It was grueling and there was hard work that really had to be put in outside of the sessions. I had to have some really emotionally intense conversations with family and friends, but I could say it was all for the better. Of course, I was not “cured” overnight and my depression did not miraculously disappear but I am doing much better, most days. Most importantly I had to come to terms with a couple of things I am sure I was unconsciously avoiding or not willing to admit to myself that I am still struggling with today. -Bella
So I’m 27 weeks pregnant and totally feeling it. By feeling it I mean there’s a huge estomago in front of me, I got no one to blame but myself because I didn’t lose my previous baby weight, so I’m just packing them pounds on like its nobodies business.
At this point I totally miss feeling sexy, and believe me my husband still wants to do the sexy stuff, lord bless him, but it takes me forever to get in the mood. I know this feeling will go away in a year or less but damn feeling sexy makes me feel so good especially when my husband sees it. I need help like seriously I need a nutritionist, chef, and a trainer. I wish they came in a package once you get pregnant so they can keep you healthy and fit as possible, how could I make this happen??? Or just win the lottery and have all three living with me at all times, first I gotta start playing the damn lotto.
I am blessed to have another great pregnancy so far, don’t want to jinx anything. But as a woman I feel we are more conscious of our bodies, the way it looks and all, and being pregnant only makes us way more self conscious due to the weight gain, bless those woman who don’t give a fuck, please hand some of that over! I know the ball is in my court and I gotta do something about it but my motivation is at zero right now, all I want to do is eat and sleep. Things gotta change now or it’s only going to get harder once baby is here. This might sound weird but maybe I can just fake being sexy for now until I make it, that motto has actually worked for me in the past, it just might do.
Project sexy will soon be up and running, just gotta move in to my new place, which is going down this weekend. Lord help me! But I swear once I’m in my new place things will change…. I hope, I mean it will! Give me strength y’all. Stay Sexy My Friends. – Nene