I’m alive!!! So I went in for my postpartum appointment ready to get my birth control cause this girl can’t do this again anytime soon. I couldn’t decide between the IUD or the Implant, heard some bad shit about the IUD, then someone close to me got it and said she was fine with it. Ultimately I went with the IUD (Mirena to be exact), my OBGYN really recommended it. She said I was a bit open since I just pushed out a being it wouldn’t be as uncomfortable to get. I didn’t read on how the procedure went for other women since my doctor made it sound like it wouldn’t hurt. So I recorded how my first week went, here it goes:
MONDAY (Day of IUD insert): Thinking to myself, way to start a Monday. As I’m leaving to my appointment my mom says ‘make sure they put cement up there! (In Spanish of course), Thanks mom. My OBGYN was right it didn’t hurt in my case, the only thing that was uncomfortable was the spreader thing that kept my vagina open for the procedure. Came home later and used the restroom after a full bladder and something felt funny and hurt a little, felt like I could feel the IUD. I started to worry so of course I go to the one source I truly trust… Google. Read how this tends to happen if you had a full bladder and many suggested to feel the string to see if it was in place, I said I ain’t ready for that, if the pain gets bad I’ll just go to the doctors. The bleeding wasn’t bad… the first day.
TUESDAY: I really need to pee more often, waiting until my bladder is super full isn’t helping. Still bleeding a bit.
WEDNESDAY: Had the biggest discomfort today, maybe it had to do with carrying my 18 months old most of the day. Bleeding is still happening.
THURSDAY: Wait am I still suppose to be bleeding…
FRIDAY: Looks like I’m going to need more pads.
SATURDAY: How am I suppose to have sex if I’m still bleeding!
SUNDAY: Yup this must be my period,… it’s back:(
MONDAY: Don’t like that it’s Monday and I’m bleeding but I haven’t felt a thing of discomfort from my IUD. This thing better work!
Purely anecdotal but I do not know a lot of latinas who make their own personal happiness a priority, including myself. I got to thinking about this while listening to a podcast called Over It and On With It where life coach, Christine Hassler asked a listener whether she thinks she deserves to be happy. The listener responded with a flood of personal beliefs about happiness which including that being happy means being careless and irresponsible and selfish. When she spoke those words, I was like, “Yes, those are my beliefs too.” It clicked for me. I wish it hadn’t and I wish this is not what I believed. I know this not right or healthy but I totally identified with that listener. This does not make being happy an easy process. I resist it. I come from two immigrant parents who worked really hard for a long time. They valued hard work. I remember my mom always saying we should marry a hard worker. She didn’t say anything about a nice guy or someone who will treat us right or be faithful, it was simply, find a hard worker. And always BE a hard worker. And take care of your family and don’t you dare be selfish and you have to do what’s best for the family and not just for you. Don’t be selfish. My mom’s words have changed a lot and now she just wants us to be happy but undoing all that programming is not easy and takes time.
I read about happiness, relationships, personal development. I listen to podcasts along the same genre. I also write affirmations, exercise, do yoga, try to sleep 8 hours a night. It is working but I still have a hard time putting myself first. I have a hard time doing what is best for me and investing in myself. I now try to surround myself with people who make me happy. I make it convenient so I see these people often and keep in contact with them. But those stupid beliefs still get to me. I’ll have an amazing day spending it with people who I love, full of laughter and games and great food. But toward the end of the day, I start feeling scared and nervous like something bad is going to happen. Like this is too good to be true. I still get scared. I want to allow myself to be happy. I want to take it all in and not worry about the bad, just because things are so good.
I deserve to be happy. And I will do the things I need to do to be happy. And I will experiment and I will get things wrong and I will try again and then try something different. But remember, you deserve to be happy no matter what people told you growing up or no matter what you saw growing up. YOU deserve to be happy. Do one thing today for yourself that will make you happy. And then keep doing it. And then a month from, do a new thing that will make you happy. And then keep doing it. Fill your life with all these things/people/actions/job that make you happy and then there won’t be room for any of that negativity.
So I’ve done it! I just welcomed my second baby in February, still don’t know what I was thinking but I’m feeling blessed. It was a total different labor experience from my first except it was still vaginally, but he’s here and I couldn’t be happier.
As for my daughter who will soon be 18 months! (Tears, she’s getting so big) She totally loves on him but only for a certain amount of time. Her tantrums have gotten a bit worse but I’m sure it’s due to all the change or it’s what 18 mos old acts like. I’m blessed to have my mother and a sister watching over her since I’m not suppose to be carrying her the first month (I bend the rules here and there).
I’m tired but sane, having people helping is what’s keeping me sane (made this mistake with my first). I’m nervous to experience what it will be like doing this on my own but I’m sure I’ll be fine….right? Two kids under two, yup sounds crazy but it’s doable…? It really gives me anxiety just thinking about it… How do people do it with more than one kid?!?!? Magic??? Alcohol??? Yoga???
I guess the only thing I can really do is what I was advised to tell myself, ‘this is only temporary’, I’m going to have to repeat that to myself a million times a day. Ok so here’s to my new adventure, wish me luck! If you don’t hear from me next week I didn’t make it..