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 I’m alive!!! So I went in for my postpartum appointment ready to get my birth control cause this girl can’t do this again anytime soon. I couldn’t decide between the IUD or the Implant, heard some bad shit about the IUD, then someone close to me got it and said she was fine with it. Ultimately I went with the IUD (Mirena to be exact), my OBGYN really recommended it. She said I was a bit open since I just pushed out a being it wouldn’t be as uncomfortable to get. I didn’t read on how the procedure went for other women since my doctor made it sound like it wouldn’t hurt. So I recorded how my first week went, here it goes:

 MONDAY (Day of IUD insert): Thinking to myself, way to start a Monday. As I’m leaving to my appointment my mom says ‘make sure they put cement up there! (In Spanish of course), Thanks mom. My OBGYN was right it didn’t hurt in my case, the only thing that was uncomfortable was the spreader thing that kept my vagina open for the procedure. Came home later and used the restroom after a full bladder and something felt funny and hurt a little, felt like I could feel the IUD. I started to worry so of course I go to the one source I truly trust… Google. Read how this tends to happen if you had a full bladder and many suggested to feel the string to see if it was in place, I said I ain’t ready for that, if the pain gets bad I’ll just go to the doctors. The bleeding wasn’t bad… the first day.

 TUESDAY: I really need to pee more often, waiting until my bladder is super full isn’t helping. Still bleeding a bit.

 WEDNESDAY: Had the biggest discomfort today, maybe it had to do with carrying my 18 months old most of the day. Bleeding is still happening.

 THURSDAY: Wait am I still suppose to be bleeding…

 FRIDAY: Looks like I’m going to need more pads.

 SATURDAY: How am I suppose to have sex if I’m still bleeding!

 SUNDAY: Yup this must be my period,… it’s back:(

 MONDAY: Don’t like that it’s Monday and I’m bleeding but I haven’t felt a thing of discomfort from my IUD. This thing better work!



2 under 2

 So I’ve done it! I just welcomed my second baby in February, still don’t know what I was thinking but I’m feeling blessed. It was a total different labor experience from my first except it was still vaginally, but he’s here and I couldn’t be happier. 

 As for my daughter who will soon be 18 months! (Tears, she’s getting so big) She totally loves on him but only for a certain amount of time. Her tantrums have gotten a bit worse but I’m sure it’s due to all the change or it’s what 18 mos old acts like. I’m blessed to have my mother and a sister watching over her since I’m not suppose to be carrying her the first month (I bend the rules here and there). 

 I’m tired but sane, having people helping is what’s keeping me sane (made this mistake with my first). I’m nervous to experience what it will be like doing this on my own but I’m sure I’ll be fine….right? Two kids under two, yup sounds crazy but it’s doable…? It really gives me anxiety just thinking about it… How do people do it with more than one kid?!?!? Magic??? Alcohol??? Yoga???

 I guess the only thing I can really do is what I was advised to tell myself, ‘this is only temporary’, I’m going to have to repeat that to myself a million times a day. Ok so here’s to my new adventure, wish me luck! If you don’t hear from me next week I didn’t make it..


Ser Mujer..

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…is not easy. I’m reminded of this everyday. Even though I know anything I put my mind and heart into I can do it, but why must society still paint us a certain way.

I know we were built differently then men but I believe that was the point. In order to create a human a woman and man must have sex (that doesn’t apply nowadays thanks to science;) I think reproduction was both of our main purpose. All the feelings and emotions were the extra that came with us. So then why are men seen more superior, I seriously don’t fucken know. Someone please answer this for me, did religion start this???

I remember clearly seeing the face of my husband and mom when we were about to find out the sex of my first baby. When the lady announced it was a girl, my husband and moms face were like ‘what??? No…’ It pissed me off, still that reaction is disappointing til this day. I wanted a girl because I’m surrounded by strong, crazy, beautiful, and smart women in my life that I wanted to add 1, 2, or 3 to our tribe. I asked my mom why her reaction was the one she gave, of course at first she denied it but later after asking and asking and asking her (uuuu she wanted to hit me,hahaha) she finally answered, “Women suffer the most.” I understood where that came from, my mom has gone through some tough times but I was quick to remind her how strong she is and how strong her daughters are cause of it. She of course stood by her answer, being the hard headed Mexican woman she is (love you Mami). I reassured her that I will show, teach and tell her granddaughter everything it is to be a woman in this world, sucks that yeah some things aren’t great but most things will be challenging and beautiful which will make you the woman you are to become.

I will tell and show my daughter that it’s ok to dream, cry, scream, laugh as loud as you want. She can accomplish any fucken thing she dedicates herself to. Or love whoever her heart wants to love. She’s a woman with a mind, just like a man, and no one can tell her how to use it. Now that’s powerful.

I’m hoping for this equality shit between women and men to better by the time my daughter and children start realizing this type of stuff. But for now we all must have smart conversations about this subject everywhere and do what we need to do to see it change for the better. I know the president we have right now doesn’t help any of this but he just gives us more reason to demand what’s right for all, especially women.

In the famous words of Queen B, “Who run the world? GIRLS!” Keep on trucking girls!



New Year Resolutions

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Happy New Year amigos! May 2017 be more exciting since 2016 was one of my draining and laziest years of my life. My apologies to my daughter, I swear Lenny Mommy is not this boring. So let’s get to it, New Year Resolutions!!! Yes mine is probably the most fucken popular resolution for every year, losing weight. I personally feel like I need this resolution, not only cause I want to look great but because my weight is affecting everything about me. From my physical to my emotional side.

I’m the biggest i’ve ever been and i’m not happy. I didnt take control of my health like i should have nor did I try. On this pregnancy, I have been too tired to focus on myself. Honestly i feel that my weight takes a toll on how I parent. Being tired all day, forcing myself to step out of the house, and eating like crap all has to do with the way i’m feeling about myself which i know is affecting my daughter in someway.

I know people say losing weight doesn’t solve everything and I don’t expect it to but when i lost major weight 2.5 years ago, i was the happiest and healthiest i’ve ever been in my life. I had all the control and it felt amazing. My confidence was honestly beaming. Not to toot my own horn but i looked damn good in a lot of things even not so cute clothing items. I was just so happy. I need that back, like yesterday. My baby is due in a month and i know you can’t work out for 6 weeks after giving birth, so i figured preparing myself now hopefully helps after i give birth. I said hopefully.

How i plan to prepare myself during the next 4 weeks: learning to meal prep, sleeping earlier, and doing some minor yoga. This might not sound like so much but it’s better than what i’ve been doing, which is nothing. I’ll keep you peeps updated and tell you the ugly truth about it all. Wish me luck bitches! And cheers to 2017 cause even Trump can’t kill my vibe.



Depression parte 5… these days

It’s been over a year and half since my depression episode began, this time last year I was well into therapy and pretty damn miserable. I am seven months post therapy, I feel better. Still I miss work at times due to not being able to stop crying or not being able to get myself out of bed. And I am trying to accept that I will probably never feel whole. That this emptiness I feel almost every day will most likely always be there. That I am no longer the same person I was before this episode and I will have to learn what this person needs and wants. I am trying to let go of comparing my present self to my past self. It is so frustrating. Two weeks ago I finished my first book since this happened, it took about 4 months to read 245 pages. I am cooking on a regular basis, even thinking of baking again. My yoga practice is becoming more frequent and I am trying to be more open and honest about how I am feeling. Everyday there is some sort of struggle but today I am feeling more at ease.  –Bella

I Want To Leave My Husband…

Most of the time. I swear I married the rudest man ever. Was he always like this? Kind of. He’s always been shy but like they say it’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for. 

We started dating in 2007, he was my first official boyfriend and the young man I lost my virginity to. Even then I never saw him in my life forever. When I lost my virginity to him I wanted to dump him the next day, just felt like the right thing to do and I was also a bit ashamed. Losing your virginity is nothing romantic, bunch of ‘ouch’ and ‘oh shit am I really doing this.’ He really did care for me so I decided not to leave him. We dated over a year and then I broke it off, the fool was controlling. He was what we call a machista and I couldn’t deal with it. We didn’t get back together until almost 2 years later , I believe, I could be wrong on exactly when but we eventually got back together. I had my fun while I was single but I still missed the fool. I also noticed some changes, he was kinder, more open and not controlling. 

 We married May 2013 thinking he was joining the air force so after training I could be close to him but then his boss gave him a raise and a higher position, he couldn’t resist. Everything was great we lived in a small apartment in a shitty town (like every great love story, hahaha) but we were honestly happy, yes he still had things that annoyed me but the good side totally outweighed the bad. It wasn’t until our daughter was born where the things that annoyed me a little started to annoy me A LOT! I truly didn’t want my daughter to see that side of her father, his rudeness, negativeness, laziness. All those things make me angry and cause the ugly side of me to come out, which I also don’t want my daughter to see.

 No matter how much I cry to my husband and tell him over and over that his ways have to change for our children’s sake and ours he doesn’t change. And honestly I don’t think he’ll ever change, he says he will, but easier said then done. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep and his demanding job, I don’t know, but something’s going to have to change, or I’m out son. Honestly I love him but my children are my everything, sounds cheesy but they are and I’ll do anything to provide them a happy home.                

This is some deep shit but its life and it’s what I’m dealing with at the moment. I know things will end up just fine, that way of thinking is what gets me through life and knowing I have such a fucken amazing family/support system helps even more. My husband has to find the silver lining to all this cause I can’t do it on my own. I still have hope for him but it’s wearing very very thin. Nene

Depression….Parte 4

slider_1_-_have_you_thought_twice_about_tissues_During the summer of 2015 I began to feel a little off. I couldn’t tell what is was right away, there were just little signs here and there. The fatigue came first, soon after I had difficulty concentrating, remembering details and the insomnia crept in. I began to retrieve from activities I enjoyed. I think deep down I knew what it was right away, I just kept hoping it would all pass. It didn’t and I really should not have been so naïve. I had stopped taking care of myself. I was barely doing yoga, meditating, cooking well for myself and taking on too much work. I was pulling myself apart and because of that I began to crack, horribly. I could no longer read, I had no energy and the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness kept me crying in bed. I could not escape this feeling that at the time I would describe as a dark hole. For the life of me, I could not describe it. And so before things got really bad, I decided to get help. It wasn’t enough to just try to get back on my routine. I contacted my health insurance provider and set an appointment with mental health department.

Let me tell you, the psychologist that did my intake was fucken horrible. I almost did not continue the process because of that individual. The way he made me feel and the phrases and words he used made me feel even more ridiculous then I already did.  But, I wanted to feel better, I needed help so I continued with the process. Luckily, the therapist I was assigned to was not a judgmental asshole and I began psychotherapy once a week for a couple of months.

The first time I tried therapy it was far more cognitive behavioral therapy, really developing coping skills. This time around we focused more on psychoanalytic and humanistic approaches to try to discover the root causes of my depression/anxiety. Though it was far less enjoyable than my past therapy I learned so much more about myself. It was grueling and there was hard work that really had to be put in outside of the sessions. I had to have some really emotionally intense conversations with family and friends, but I could say it was all for the better. Of course, I was not “cured” overnight and my depression did not miraculously disappear but I am doing much better, most days.  Most importantly I had to come to terms with a couple of things I am sure I was unconsciously avoiding or not willing to admit to myself that I am still struggling with today.     -Bella

Not Feeling Sexy

So I’m 27 weeks unnamedpregnant and totally feeling it. By feeling it I mean there’s a huge estomago in front of me, I got no one to blame but myself because I didn’t lose my previous baby weight, so I’m just packing them pounds on like its nobodies business. 

 At this point I totally miss feeling sexy, and believe me my husband still wants to do the sexy stuff, lord bless him, but it takes me forever to get in the mood. I know this feeling will go away in a year or less but damn feeling sexy makes me feel so good especially when my husband sees it. I need help like seriously I need a nutritionist, chef, and a trainer. I wish they came in a package once you get pregnant so they can keep you healthy and fit as possible, how could I make this happen??? Or just win the lottery and have all three living with me at all times, first I gotta start playing the damn lotto.

 I am blessed to have another great pregnancy so far, don’t want to jinx anything. But as a woman I feel we are more conscious of our bodies, the way it looks and all, and being pregnant only makes us way more self conscious due to the weight gain, bless those woman who don’t give a fuck, please hand some of that over! I know the ball is in my court and I gotta do something about it but my motivation is at zero right now, all I want to do is eat and sleep. Things gotta change now or it’s only going to get harder once baby is here. This might sound weird but maybe I can just fake being sexy for now until I make it, that motto has actually worked for me in the past, it just might do. 

 Project sexy will soon be up and running, just gotta move in to my new place, which is going down this weekend. Lord help me! But I swear once I’m in my new place things will change…. I hope, I mean it will! Give me strength y’all. Stay Sexy My Friends. –  Nene

Depression…Parte Tres

change-aheadEvery time I entered both of my shrinks’ offices’, I wanted to immediately turn around and run. No one I had known at the time had receive this type of treatment, they’d usually just take the prescription from their physician and carry on. I felt absurd. I kept my family in the dark, I honestly did not know how to start this conversation with them especially through the phone. I was three weeks into my treatment when I finally went home to tell my family, as strongly suggested by my therapist. It was the worst plane ride ever. My depression was still very present and anxiety attacks would still visit me daily and as I started boarding the plane for a six hour flight I tried so fucken hard to keep my shit together. As soon as I got to my seat I put my hood on, closed my eyes and focused on my breathing. At the time my therapist was teaching me mindfulness coping strategies and my psychiatrist had started me on a really low dose of fluoxetine. I only moved to drink water and to exit the plane. My visit was nothing short of emotional. So many damn tears, not only from me but from all my siblings and mother.

I don’t remember the day I began to feel a bit more normal, in the sense that I wasn’t breathing erratically or almost crying all day or having major panic attacks. The medication began to work and I was beginning to become attune to my emotions. I was (still kind of am) someone who adheres more to logic than my emotions. Though a very sympathetic/empathetic person I struggle(d) to allow myself to feel what I am feeling most of the time. Therapy really helped with that, allowing me accept what I feel.  I am quick to push my emotions to the side in order to get shit done; if it doesn’t help or will get in my way of doing or finishing something or make me feel weak, I don’t want to feel it. I have realized how detrimental it is to one’s emotional/mental health and still struggle to accept and embrace certain emotions. When I cry, I no longer feel ashamed or weak. When I feel sad or hollow I allow myself sit in those feelings. I don’t wallow in self-pity, instead I embrace my feelings and ask myself why I feel this way.

Slowly, I began to venture out into the world again. Going out again, hiking and feeling confident with both school and work. I felt emotionally and mentally better. But I did not feel like the same person from before the episode and it was frustrating. And I constantly compared myself to old me, pre-2012 clinical depression episode me. I couldn’t concentrate as well, I was far more emotional, too much exposure to sun would make me dizzy and I struggled with both vertigo and hypochondria. I was mad at myself for always automatically feeling/being cautious of everything I was doing. Constantly second guessing myself in things I never had before. It was learning my new limits and I hated it.

I continued weekly therapy for 5 months and then did biweekly sessions for about 4 months and decided to stop taking fluoxetine 6 months into treatment. I decided to use the medication as a crutch until I felt confident enough that I could handle both minor depression episodes and anxiety attacks with the mindfulness strategies my therapist had taught me. My psychiatrist didn’t necessarily agree with my decision, but it was something I wanted to at least try. I continued with practicing mindfulness, yoga and better communicating and accepting my emotions. For about two years I did not have a major depression episode, only those little bouts that lasted 2-3 days but nothing I felt I could not handle on my own. And then it felt like my world came crashing down slowly and I was drowning while burning at the same time. – Bella

To my dear Pan…

I cannot quit you. No matpannnter how hard I try I sprint back to you. You’ve been my comfort for as long as I can remember, in my good and bad times, especially my bad, no no I mean my good times, heck you’ve always been there. From pan dulce to croissants you just can’t disappoint! Who ever first created you is a true God. Even though you’re causing me major weight gain right now I still love you:) I’m going to have to limit you right now just for my health, I hope you understand, it truly isn’t you its me. Stay tasty my friend. – Nene