Church Hunting Begins

Church, Switzerland, Old, Landmark
I did not know churches could be so cute. Not my church tho. So I went to church and I liked it.

So I went to church and I liked it.

There were moments when the pastor was totally speaking my language and we were vibing and then there were moments where I was like…nah, I don’t think so. But overall, I enjoyed that hour and a half where we dedicated time and space for thoughts on how to serve the world and myself. It wasn’t all easy. I did not know what kind of service we were attending until we got to the front of the church and we realized it was Baptist. I hesitated and questioned my entire notion of attending a service. My boyfriend was by my side and simply asked, “Are you going to look back and be happy you tried this today?” I thought yes and we walked in. Good boyfriend.

 I come from a Catholicism upbringing where I dreaded going to Church and being read to straight out of the bible. I want to give this church thing another try but I want to do it my way. I have never been a steady church goer and now that I am older and now what I like (half of the time at least), I want to give this church thing another try. But this time, I am going to do it my way. I am visiting churches by order of proximity to my home no matter what religion it is. I am looking for a pastor/priest and community where I feel connected and understood.

I am on a hunt and I hope to come up on a sweet service with a kind community.



Depression parte 5… these days

It’s been over a year and half since my depression episode began, this time last year I was well into therapy and pretty damn miserable. I am seven months post therapy, I feel better. Still I miss work at times due to not being able to stop crying or not being able to get myself out of bed. And I am trying to accept that I will probably never feel whole. That this emptiness I feel almost every day will most likely always be there. That I am no longer the same person I was before this episode and I will have to learn what this person needs and wants. I am trying to let go of comparing my present self to my past self. It is so frustrating. Two weeks ago I finished my first book since this happened, it took about 4 months to read 245 pages. I am cooking on a regular basis, even thinking of baking again. My yoga practice is becoming more frequent and I am trying to be more open and honest about how I am feeling. Everyday there is some sort of struggle but today I am feeling more at ease.  –Bella

Fuck it. I’m going to Church.


Well, I am going to try it.

I was baptized Catholic but never did my first communion. I went to Catholic Church on some Saturdays as a child but I was never into it. In fact, I dreaded it. I mostly remember my mom pinching me for giggling or for catching my sister and I playing thumb war. I went to a Catholic university but not because it was Catholic. I had my first positive Church experience there and I had professors who were priests and nuns and they were fantastic teachers who were able to have rational and warm conversations about God and spirituality. I really enjoyed it and it felt so different from the dark and gloomy Catholicism I experienced as a child. After college, I stopped going to mass.

This past year has been a tough year for me. It has also been a tough year for my relationship with my boyfriend. I did not think about going back to Church until one of my sisters recommended it to me as I told her about my S.O. problems. I have never thought of Church as a source of relief or help.

Now that I am slowly coming out of a dark period in my life, I am trying to look ahead and plan for a new year full of self care activities. This list may include therapy, regular exercise routine, more friend dates and Church. I do not what I am looking to get out of this or if it will bring me any happiness at all but I am going to get out of my comfort zone and visit different services at different churches until I find one that speaks to me. And it is okay if I do not find something. But for my own sake, I need something new and different.

Wish me luck.


I Want To Leave My Husband…

Most of the time. I swear I married the rudest man ever. Was he always like this? Kind of. He’s always been shy but like they say it’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for. 

We started dating in 2007, he was my first official boyfriend and the young man I lost my virginity to. Even then I never saw him in my life forever. When I lost my virginity to him I wanted to dump him the next day, just felt like the right thing to do and I was also a bit ashamed. Losing your virginity is nothing romantic, bunch of ‘ouch’ and ‘oh shit am I really doing this.’ He really did care for me so I decided not to leave him. We dated over a year and then I broke it off, the fool was controlling. He was what we call a machista and I couldn’t deal with it. We didn’t get back together until almost 2 years later , I believe, I could be wrong on exactly when but we eventually got back together. I had my fun while I was single but I still missed the fool. I also noticed some changes, he was kinder, more open and not controlling. 

 We married May 2013 thinking he was joining the air force so after training I could be close to him but then his boss gave him a raise and a higher position, he couldn’t resist. Everything was great we lived in a small apartment in a shitty town (like every great love story, hahaha) but we were honestly happy, yes he still had things that annoyed me but the good side totally outweighed the bad. It wasn’t until our daughter was born where the things that annoyed me a little started to annoy me A LOT! I truly didn’t want my daughter to see that side of her father, his rudeness, negativeness, laziness. All those things make me angry and cause the ugly side of me to come out, which I also don’t want my daughter to see.

 No matter how much I cry to my husband and tell him over and over that his ways have to change for our children’s sake and ours he doesn’t change. And honestly I don’t think he’ll ever change, he says he will, but easier said then done. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep and his demanding job, I don’t know, but something’s going to have to change, or I’m out son. Honestly I love him but my children are my everything, sounds cheesy but they are and I’ll do anything to provide them a happy home.                

This is some deep shit but its life and it’s what I’m dealing with at the moment. I know things will end up just fine, that way of thinking is what gets me through life and knowing I have such a fucken amazing family/support system helps even more. My husband has to find the silver lining to all this cause I can’t do it on my own. I still have hope for him but it’s wearing very very thin. Nene